5.29.2010

sleepless nights, the road and the scale.


i'm back on track. which means days without sleeping, traveling like a madman, living on the internet and keeping myself so busy i can't think about the pit in my brain. the road has an interesting effect on people, emphasizing the individuals state of dependence and almost all other attributes with the stress of getting things done in an unfamiliar place.

i don't think i could live in a relaxed manner. i thrive on mania.






none of this is as pretty as i pretend to be.


(doesn't my phone takes damn fine pictures? it infrequently works as a phone, but the camera function is exceptional.)

5.20.2010

public image.

it's sort of insane how some people live almost entirely in their head or on the internet. myself included. i like to think i have a grip on what being responsible and respectful despite emotions entails though. i like to think i've got goals and values and i actively work towards or for them.

sometimes i wish i was outspoken enough...


to even truly defend myself.












psy·cho·so·mat·ic

–adjective
1. of or pertaining to a physical disorder that is caused by or notably influenced by emotional factors.
2. pertaining to or involving both the mind and the body.

5.13.2010

running uphill.

someone i worked with interrogated me as to why i am the way i am, why i look the way i do, essentially why i am myself.

they implied that my life seemed an uphill struggle and from our conversation said they could tell it had been mostly that. they also couldn't believe i was doing what i do at my age, so spontaneously and "recklessly."

i think i have an answer.


some people are born with a flat meadow laid out before them, to stroll.
some, small hills to mount and rejoice.
others are given a path of boulders to stumble upon.
still others awaken to life to find peaks the size of everest staring them in the face.

i do not claim to know which of these i am, hardly. feelings and personal vendettas leave me far too unbiased to make such an assertion.

what is clear to me, is that it is not the path laid before an individual that determines the outcome of their existence and the mettle of their being, rather the method in which they approach it. seeking true success and happiness makes any path a running course, and any life a marathon.

some just have to run uphill.

5.11.2010

lewd sobriety, and the scales.

i have been escaping to alternate realities in my dreams: ones in which i am a male, ones in which i am invisible due to my plainness, ones in which i am nothing: just a presence, ones in which i am myself, just in a much easier situation, ones in which my skin is purple. waking up is sometimes violent, but normally just delayed and drawn out, as i try to grasp the last pieces of the alternate me and cram it into my brain, thinking it will give me more dimension of perception.




selfless kindness will generally do nothing but get you taken advantage of, when it it all breaks down. there is no tally system, there is no keeping track unless both parties are going at it for less soulful reasons.

but i'll keep wasting time, money, and effort on people who think of me only in passing, because i do love them despite whatever flaws they may exhibit. and i want them to be happy, more than anything.

even if that happiness doesn't involve me in the least.





i do really need to stop subconsciously thinking in terms of payback, it's simply a disease inflicted by growing up in america.

and the cause, i think, of the majority of bickering here.

5.06.2010

waking up some more.


with kess and jackie by jon mmmayhem.

this is why i love my life.


big fat note to self:
set aside atleast 5 hours a week to create.
(sew, paint, take pictures)
and atleast 5 to read.


i feel brain dead. i haven't sewn anything, painted anything awesome, or made anything i'm truly proud of since i moved to philly. i haven't been thinking of concepts for shoots correctly even.

stimulation is necessary at this point. fitting it in admist the hustle is the trick.

4.30.2010

the balance beam.


life is rather simple, no?
i know i feel simple for finding it so difficult.

sitting in front of a computer as much as i do is unnatural though.



next- lots of traveling. no end in sight until september. work, hustle, flow.
i think it's what i need. it's working towards something, at the least.

homes are developing everywhere.
i am comfortable on my feet.
this is how it should be.

absolutely wonderful new zivity set here.

4.23.2010

willful suspension.

(preview of bladerunner set due to go live on zivity in 3 days)




life baffles me.

even more confounding is how very good i am at hiding it.

i am simultaneously in love with my existence and wishing for a different one.
nothing makes sense right now and i don't bring people close enough to be really touched.



i was supposed to see a very important person to me on this trip. two actually. neither happened, one denied me dramatically and the other faded with the ebb of distance and inconvenience. loving people through a computer is the most soul devouring habit of necessity this utopia of technology has caused to develop, and my lack of ability or will to participate in the binary orgy has left me without anyone to really lean on.

in a house full of wonderful people in a city full of opportunities i feel totally alone. at the same time i have felt my best on this trip while being completely lost and alone wandering around LA, or last weekend at coachella. the ability to make rapid, extreme decisions is important to me, perhaps i am made for nomadic hermitage.


i wish i could just be happy,
because i know i have plenty to be happy with.

4.13.2010

styrofoam boots.

back on track....

i have two new sets up, one incredibly appropriate one on zivity:



and another appropriately bare boned one on foxblood by mojokiss:




at best i am an extreme idealist.
at worst a nihilistic fatalist.

"the great thing about being bipolar is every other day is the best day of your life."
- my good friend lithium picnic

4.10.2010

there is no if, just this.



i have fallen. i have wholly despaired.

i hated myself and sought to rid the planet of it.

the hotel room was so sterile, comfortable, singular, and so removed. everything was so simple to execute that i came within a matter of turning a knob to erase the mark.

thoughts suddenly flooded my head of my kitten, my lovers, friends, family. especially crash, there is something undeniably vital about taking care of a helpless loving being. he needs me, anything that would remove me from his world entirely would be incredibly selfish. i can't hurt him, and i'm pretty sure even when i leave for a long time he loves me even more when i come home.



i have been helped, so much...
and am putting things back in their place.

i need to be much better than this.
the task at hand is to decipher how.

4.04.2010

clean slate.

a realization upon finding my old blogs (of 5+ years ago) packed to the brim with entries...

i was more full of tenacity, life, articulation, despair, joy, expression and general pure emotion when i was 15 than i will ever be. i was determined as fuck, planning to graduate from an esteemed college by the age of 21 (basically within the next year).... existence is a series of events that either decays the soul or causes you to put up walls against said degradation.

(or i screw up a lot.)

also noted: how twisted and odd i've been from the beginning of my mental independence...




i just paid off thousands of dollars worth of student loans.
i am no longer in debt, semi-broke, and soon to be free (or close to free) of ties.

and then: assessment.




edit: wtf i want my brain back:

"
i follow patterns and cycles. i am as predictable as spring coming every year. but spring is never really that predictable, all we know is when it comes and what it may bring.

i will always find ways to escape my ever persistent, cold, unfeeling, and logical mind. i will always divulge into chaos whenever i can. be it intoxication, beauty, art or the simple smile in my lover's eyes i will always try to run away from reality, and lose myself in the violet waves of mindless indulgence. but i will never be consistent in finding one escape, i will run from one to the other, escape even my releases.

the cycle of perceived intelligence and stupidity defines my life. it always has and always will. as i drift from logical control to chaotic escape, people will always see me as the intelligent idiot.

the shade of dusk's skies will always be to color of my soul. sometimes navy blue, sometimes vibrant hues of orange and purple. i will recede into myself and come out strong, similar to the oceans foam crested tides.

but you will never be able to predict everything about me, i am not an exact science. i am not an exact anything.

all i can tell you, is that i follow patterns and cycles, that have their own spontaneous aversions and patterns. and maybe, if you watch me closely, like an astrologist viewing the heavens, you might be able to have an idea of what i will be tomorrow.

but that's not a guarantee, i can guarantee you that."

-written causally at 15

3.25.2010

the science of silence.

it's interesting to note what place certain personalities take in each others lives.

and to realize that the people you love most are rarely your "ideal."




i used to have faith in some idealistic universalism, but these days i'm more of a follower of the church of contentment. not hedonism... just positive outcomes for all.


on the note of ideals:
i'm none of them and i never will be.
how i'm making a living doing what i do is fucking beyond me.






i'm forcing the issue of getting out of philly and hoping when i return i will be out of this funk. i need to generate some income, see some familiar and new faces and breathe different air.

3.16.2010

big brother and the twitternet.

no, i will not be signing up for twitter.

i already have an ex's therapist stalking my online persona, along with who knows what random assortment of people from my past and recently an angry, malicious follower who decides to anonymously post spiteful things on my entries every once in a while.

aside from the drama, i am simply a private being.

i like staying in my house for days at a time,
and i don't enjoy others knowing what i'm doing or who i'm with.
i'm not secretive, i just enjoy things individually.




call me a creeper, i guess.


3.10.2010

inspiracy.


bury your skeletons.


love your dreams, and chase them.



i have decided to indefinitely surround myself with people who add to me, not subtract. i've been so devoid of inspiration, too focused on rationalizing the darkness, and my work and productivity has suffered.



i swing violently between being overjoyed and feeling lucky, to painfully self critical and hopeless. it's a balance though, the filters that are my eyes and lips will tell you that much.





i need violence.

3.02.2010

no secret to life.


i'm bawling my eyes out in the minneapolis airport, doing my very best to be inconspicuous so no one asks me what's wrong. my lack of ability to define my problems would probably only make me weep much harder.

i did something i needed to today, but i feel awful about it.




february was too much.

unraveling is too kind a verb,
too slow and too predictable.

i feel like a glacier on the move, shedding tons of my self into the ocean and leaving giant monuments to my journey in my wake. always melting.






my most persistent flaw and perhaps one of the defining traits of my being is the overabundance of love contained in my being. it confuses and distracts me, and enables even the unknowing to manipulate me a mere wave of the phalanges...






how else can i serve you?
how in the world can i serve me?

2.26.2010

crash.

i almost died today....
i'm so lucky.






there is so much wrong with my life right now, but i still have it.

and one really has no idea how much that means
until their vehicle bounces between the guardrails like an air hockey puck,
is almost t-boned by a semi, hit by 2 cars and totaled,
and they walk away with a few bumps and scratches..



i'm counting all the good things twice before i even consider the negatives.

the bump on my head may have knocked some sense into me.

2.22.2010

the point.



i'm not very good at communicating (especially online) right now due to the intense amount of action and thought in response to stress and conflict my life has consisted of recently.

moving to philly was necessary, but trying.


i'm dealing with some medical issues, and have no time to relax.
i'm just hoping my intake of tea and vitamins cushions the grinding.

i feel bad to be so lame about updating, or existing, recently.
i'll be fully functional again by mid march, guaranteed.
stay tuned.

2.01.2010

seperate whole.


hawaii is almost as lovely as her.
(by brink ability, with v larsen.)

my life is SOOO full and it's about to overflow...

the nausea has been relentless recently. no matter how happy i am, who i'm near, how wonderful the place i'm staying may be, the act of living makes nauseous.

i am happy though.
for the first time in months,
i'm really happy.

1.19.2010

direct aid for a small town in haiti.

my good friend, and photographer and model sidney etienne is trying to organize relief for a small community in haiti where much of his family lives.

this is a great way to give direct, quick aid to a community that doesn't know when the larger organizations will turn an eye their way, most of the support pouring into the nation is going directly to the capital.

please help if you can.


more info + contribute here:


1.14.2010

i am ----'s inventive obsession.




packing up my fragments of home i have found this. it was a final project for my AP english class, the one i was almost not allowed to take due to only having 2 years of english under my belt.
i'm reciting it, hoping that ignites this sort of passion and articulation in me once more....



the brush strokes are horribly uneven,
vibrant in the jarred patterns they weave.
up close, the impression is all wrong, this impression,
should so obviously be viewed from afar:
the same distance as the witness from the scene.
reenactments make us feel connected, alive, aware.
no binary code could communicate such life and feeling,
in to images so gorgeously garbled.
the canvas might just breathe, well,
this one does.
inuman limbs a littered with metaphors,
like a picture book of the ghosts's life,
no simple cipher will decode these tales, no,
complex analysis is required.
faces, symbols, and other oddities are here,
with script littered amongst the images,
the technicolor trigger, a revolver in obnoxious hues,
spews smoke and poems out of its unloaded barrel,
covering the entire torco in its image.
only a few understand,
the gun is the only measure of regret the spirit will allow.
anything else would leave her a desert.
clay, moist and fertile,
forms ideas in adept hands,
stained red with the blood of shed imptence,
this supreme labor of love,
fingers and medium intertwine in immaculate conception,
cheekbones, lips, ocular devices come to warped life,
joyfully imperfect, unbalanced, individual.
such a beautiful face even nature could not have sculpted.
anatomy does not permit such grievous malformations.
the mother,
the father,
fall away as separate hands,
left in their wake is a monstrous face,
as perfect in its creator's adoring eyes,
as us beasts in the eyes of "GOD."
creators are largely only admirers,
who reflect their idols in a fun-house mirror.
but the impression of sound can be felt,
down to the pulmonary vein-
if the noise is affluent enough-
so perhaps the mirrors don't matter so much.
chords control the ghost,
words and tone influence emotive ideas,
and some compositions are an Owner's Guide to Life.
tear ducts flood as the record revolves,
the flavor has grown bitter,
lilting melodies slowly,
with their subtly soaring sentiments,
eventually dam the optic river.
this rollercoaster tune is supreme:
evoking floods,
evoking fires,
evoking blinding beams,
in the face of the beholder.
now crumpled in concentration.
the beholder creates her own mirror,
scribbling furiously,
rushing towards a meaning not yet grasped.
black and white are the only tones used,
but the lack of variance in color,
makes not the task of inverntion and less ingenious.
the path of words is jumbles,
littered with ambiguity and unempasized giants.
it leads somewhere, though,
and the walkedr must have patience.
a cave of the mind engulfs the poeatic road,
and the words become not phrases, but philosophies,
emotions, theories, ideas, and passionate views,
all clamoring in the air like so many bats.
the center of the cave is a point in thought:
art is love, and love is art.






i do not know if this was a product of an idle, or stimulated mind. i can't remember, but i certainly haven't been doing much of this since my mind is simply occupied.

1.11.2010

sleepwalking through a sandpit.


i haven't posted in a while because of my lack of a desire to sound like a whiny emo bitch.

i'm lucky as hell, get to lead an amazing lifestyle, have options, self sufficient, and still i can not be content. granted, i'm trying to move, book 3 months of work (my MM inbox, at last count, has about 250 active messages in it), and continue to function in reality, but the stimulation i've been stumbling upon should really be enough to satiate me.


i am packing this week, everything i own.













i wonder if any city will ever end the hunger.