this is from one of my first mentionable shoots ever. by the numbers i'm not that different from two years ago, but my work, my appearance and my soul speak otherwise. i try to remember if i was ever as obsessed and driven by "fame" as i observe many wildly talented up-and-coming models to be, but then i remember everything in my life has been driven more by random circumstance and the need to succeed. i never really wanted fans so much as friends and co-conspirators, publication seemed a gateway to more work, but now i'm rather content being disengaged as fuck: i value very few thoughts and even fewer opinions.

it seems this is true even of myself.

i keep hearing wonderfully vibrant gossip about myself all across the country, and i sometimes really wish an ounce of it was true. i have my brief spells of devilish behavior and have surely established some controversial ties, but mostly keep to myself and stay focused. i do wish i had the time to live any sort of life, even if it was that of a internet diva.

so many seek to "do what is not expected."
why not try ignoring expectations all together,
and just doing what feels right?


autumn's crisp comfort.

this ship is righted, and set back on a (slightly altered) course.

tied to so many things, shifting shapes regardless.

meditation must wait until the voyage comes to a rest in december, the highway's lull and fall's vivid colors have to be my only solace.


staying sunny in a blizzard,

my life was ripped apart this morning in dayton, oh, when i walked out to my home to find it smashed, violated, and the safe containing all that is valuable and essential to my life: gone.

all legal documents: passport, birth certificate, social security card, and car title, over a months earnings diligently saved in cash in hopes of investing it in precious metals once i returned to colorado which i estimate was at least two thousand dollars, and a whole assortment of other personally or sentimentally valuable things.

i emphasize this word, because they are just items and money when it comes down to it. all replaceable, all liquid.

all still totally essential to my functioning, and achieving my ultimate goals, on paper.

there is so much frustration, rage, and despair whirling around my head that i can only hope to fall back on my trademark stubbornness/resilience and push forward. good things come to those who work for them, waiting is futile.

i feel like i've been trading pieces of my self for the opportunity to inch towards the golden light filling the horizon, only to have it shut off, and another one turned on much further away.

i may be taking a break from this job. honestly, i may be quitting. this is yet another circumstantial crossroads, and pending my feelings and abilities over the next few days, it may be time for a drastic reaction. it doesn't matter how good this seems, if there's no love then everything is utterly in vain. even more so if it repeatedly endangers the life and ambitions that drive it...

sleep is all fitful.
love and comfort are hundreds,
probably thousands,
of miles away.


this boat is obviously sinking.

the flesh that sustains me financially is failing me physically.

i've been breathing underwater for a month and now can't inhale fully without a pathetic wheeze escaping my lips and a stinging pain in my breast. foreign drugs have fallen useless, as has healthy eating, a buffed up vitamin regimen, and all the good will i can possibly fathom.

the road is a fucking difficult place to be this sick, and winter is coming.

i go to the clinic tomorrow,
praying i walk out with most of my savings intact.