i drank a beer tonight and my stomach wants to explode from it.

i really can't put gluten in my system anymore... at all.
it's really weird how much things have changes in the past year.
even stranger how much can change when one simply listens...



by vance

this is exactly how i feel about the holidays.

too much going on upstairs to bring it down, being around my family and hometown makes me live in my head for weeks...

it was pleasant, really... i just feel the way i do.

more itsajackal goodness:

i am happy to be moving on to new adventures.
but always living in my past and dreams.


shrinking globe.

sometimes it frightens me how entirely small this world is.

then i remember how many times i have shirked my perceptions, surroundings, or friends, and created a whole new place for myself. i suppose the ability to resist this urge and keep your world small is what makes one civil.

the past week has seen me less and less rested, but i'm at ease.

let's hope i don't die driving back to antartica.



by itsajackal.

i'm finding it difficult to be positive, or just now noticing how negative i really am.

this morning i realized, thanks to one of the most beautiful women i've ever met, that even the thought that things could be worse is ultimately a negative one.

now i'm sitting here alone, which is half my fault and half circumstance, and i wish more than anything that i had my car so i could drive into the country and think. the knowledge that something is broken doesn't always come with any hints pertaining to its repair.



by brandon witzel.

chemical imbalances suck.
as does winter.


speaking of nostalgia...

this is from my first nude shoot ever, by the awesome dave wood in my home state of colorado. it's being featured in the february issue of black and white magazine,
as a merit award single image.

i put a TV on my head because i was nervous about the experience and felt that the more i could throw myself into it artistically the better it would go. in other words, i didn't want to be naked on a backdrop... it would have been too much at the time.

so, i smashed out the TV myself, probably inhaling tons of chemicals, and hot glued some padding to the edges, spray painted the screen, drove up to denver and shot. it was among my first 5 shoots, ever, but one of the ones i creatively vibe with most to these days. and the chemicals probably residing in my lungs were %100 percent worth it just for how much i love the images, recognition or not.

it's nice when things from a year ago come and pat you on the back.

i'm (oddly) feeling super productive, or maybe the pile of stuff i have to do before i hit the road is just so huge that my brain is forgetting about sleep. and my newly revamped (and SOOO much better) ink thanks to khary at living color tattoo in rochester, means my chest feels like i got punched- i wouldn't be able to sleep on my stomach like i like, so to i'm just going stay up all night, getting things done.

being domestic is not friendly to modeling.
my hands are covered in marks from my kitten, cooking, and sewing.

i'm letting the alphabet be the DJ tonight and so far it's been bangin, but after this 2 hours of prodigy there's an hour and a half of propaghandi, and i don't know if i give a fuck about government anymore... i certainly don't watch the news or interact with the real world in any way other than a consumer. it's sort of frustrating to ponder.

off to be domestic some more!


holiday thanks/nostalgia.

so, in appreciation of my super cool fans at zivity i will be sending out unique, one of a kind prints to my 3 top fans of the sets i have come out in december. think of it as a slightly late holiday gift, personalized and signed.

the prints are sort of a piece of my modeling history, as they are from one of my first shoots with a professional photographer, jamie hankin, who works as the studio manager for saks fifth avenue. he was working on a gallery showcase of women with tattoos and contacted me about the project, which was one of many of the times i've counted myself lucky since this has become my career.

the images are intentionally minimal, shot on film. it's rather apparent (to me atleast) that i've come a long way with my modeling since then. there's a sort of natural essence to these images that i can't articulate, though they're quite lovely.

here's a preview of one of them.

the first set that counts towards this festive contest is the lantern, which was just released a couple days ago. i will be tallying up the votes from that, as well as the 3-4 sets i expect to come out in december. the top 3 voters on christmas day will be announced as the recipients of a lovely one of a kind matte print personally signed with a note!

the cold makes me sleepy. so fucking sleepy.



i slept all day yesterday, woke up at 4pm, showered for an hour, snapped, in a fury told my lover i'm moving away as soon as i can, chaos ensued, then i went to sleep, exhausted and emotionally drained, at midnight.

i don't know if it's all the sleep, or knowing that i get to leave rochester, but the illness that had been lurking in my sinuses and throat is gone and i'm not angry anymore.

i was made to wander... to fade in and out of places and time.

i feel weak for not appreciating the good i have here enough to stay, at the same time i know no one is to blame for the presence of wanderlust and the natural desire to be happy.

i have alot of work to do before i can move at all, then a country to drive across, and i don't quite know how to work it all out yet. it's a little intimidating, this is the first time i'm striking out %100 alone... then again, with friends in most major cities, it's arguable that percentage is slightly false.

either way, i need this:
solidarity of the self.