the balance beam.

life is rather simple, no?
i know i feel simple for finding it so difficult.

sitting in front of a computer as much as i do is unnatural though.

next- lots of traveling. no end in sight until september. work, hustle, flow.
i think it's what i need. it's working towards something, at the least.

homes are developing everywhere.
i am comfortable on my feet.
this is how it should be.

absolutely wonderful new zivity set here.


willful suspension.

(preview of bladerunner set due to go live on zivity in 3 days)

life baffles me.

even more confounding is how very good i am at hiding it.

i am simultaneously in love with my existence and wishing for a different one.
nothing makes sense right now and i don't bring people close enough to be really touched.

i was supposed to see a very important person to me on this trip. two actually. neither happened, one denied me dramatically and the other faded with the ebb of distance and inconvenience. loving people through a computer is the most soul devouring habit of necessity this utopia of technology has caused to develop, and my lack of ability or will to participate in the binary orgy has left me without anyone to really lean on.

in a house full of wonderful people in a city full of opportunities i feel totally alone. at the same time i have felt my best on this trip while being completely lost and alone wandering around LA, or last weekend at coachella. the ability to make rapid, extreme decisions is important to me, perhaps i am made for nomadic hermitage.

i wish i could just be happy,
because i know i have plenty to be happy with.


styrofoam boots.

back on track....

i have two new sets up, one incredibly appropriate one on zivity:

and another appropriately bare boned one on foxblood by mojokiss:

at best i am an extreme idealist.
at worst a nihilistic fatalist.

"the great thing about being bipolar is every other day is the best day of your life."
- my good friend lithium picnic


there is no if, just this.

i have fallen. i have wholly despaired.

i hated myself and sought to rid the planet of it.

the hotel room was so sterile, comfortable, singular, and so removed. everything was so simple to execute that i came within a matter of turning a knob to erase the mark.

thoughts suddenly flooded my head of my kitten, my lovers, friends, family. especially crash, there is something undeniably vital about taking care of a helpless loving being. he needs me, anything that would remove me from his world entirely would be incredibly selfish. i can't hurt him, and i'm pretty sure even when i leave for a long time he loves me even more when i come home.

i have been helped, so much...
and am putting things back in their place.

i need to be much better than this.
the task at hand is to decipher how.


clean slate.

a realization upon finding my old blogs (of 5+ years ago) packed to the brim with entries...

i was more full of tenacity, life, articulation, despair, joy, expression and general pure emotion when i was 15 than i will ever be. i was determined as fuck, planning to graduate from an esteemed college by the age of 21 (basically within the next year).... existence is a series of events that either decays the soul or causes you to put up walls against said degradation.

(or i screw up a lot.)

also noted: how twisted and odd i've been from the beginning of my mental independence...

i just paid off thousands of dollars worth of student loans.
i am no longer in debt, semi-broke, and soon to be free (or close to free) of ties.

and then: assessment.

edit: wtf i want my brain back:

i follow patterns and cycles. i am as predictable as spring coming every year. but spring is never really that predictable, all we know is when it comes and what it may bring.

i will always find ways to escape my ever persistent, cold, unfeeling, and logical mind. i will always divulge into chaos whenever i can. be it intoxication, beauty, art or the simple smile in my lover's eyes i will always try to run away from reality, and lose myself in the violet waves of mindless indulgence. but i will never be consistent in finding one escape, i will run from one to the other, escape even my releases.

the cycle of perceived intelligence and stupidity defines my life. it always has and always will. as i drift from logical control to chaotic escape, people will always see me as the intelligent idiot.

the shade of dusk's skies will always be to color of my soul. sometimes navy blue, sometimes vibrant hues of orange and purple. i will recede into myself and come out strong, similar to the oceans foam crested tides.

but you will never be able to predict everything about me, i am not an exact science. i am not an exact anything.

all i can tell you, is that i follow patterns and cycles, that have their own spontaneous aversions and patterns. and maybe, if you watch me closely, like an astrologist viewing the heavens, you might be able to have an idea of what i will be tomorrow.

but that's not a guarantee, i can guarantee you that."

-written causally at 15