willful suspension.

(preview of bladerunner set due to go live on zivity in 3 days)

life baffles me.

even more confounding is how very good i am at hiding it.

i am simultaneously in love with my existence and wishing for a different one.
nothing makes sense right now and i don't bring people close enough to be really touched.

i was supposed to see a very important person to me on this trip. two actually. neither happened, one denied me dramatically and the other faded with the ebb of distance and inconvenience. loving people through a computer is the most soul devouring habit of necessity this utopia of technology has caused to develop, and my lack of ability or will to participate in the binary orgy has left me without anyone to really lean on.

in a house full of wonderful people in a city full of opportunities i feel totally alone. at the same time i have felt my best on this trip while being completely lost and alone wandering around LA, or last weekend at coachella. the ability to make rapid, extreme decisions is important to me, perhaps i am made for nomadic hermitage.

i wish i could just be happy,
because i know i have plenty to be happy with.


  1. It's far too convenient to say/promise things in the binary world. Since there is no personal interaction, few attribute meaning to what they say or promise.

    The internet is full of instant friends...replacements.

  2. first off awesome preview.

    second off happiness is a myth in a sense. it is our minds telling us that we are all going to be okay, and that we aren't all slowing dying, decaying, falling apart.

    but accepting who we are for what we are, that is something magical.