staying sunny in a blizzard,

my life was ripped apart this morning in dayton, oh, when i walked out to my home to find it smashed, violated, and the safe containing all that is valuable and essential to my life: gone.

all legal documents: passport, birth certificate, social security card, and car title, over a months earnings diligently saved in cash in hopes of investing it in precious metals once i returned to colorado which i estimate was at least two thousand dollars, and a whole assortment of other personally or sentimentally valuable things.

i emphasize this word, because they are just items and money when it comes down to it. all replaceable, all liquid.

all still totally essential to my functioning, and achieving my ultimate goals, on paper.

there is so much frustration, rage, and despair whirling around my head that i can only hope to fall back on my trademark stubbornness/resilience and push forward. good things come to those who work for them, waiting is futile.

i feel like i've been trading pieces of my self for the opportunity to inch towards the golden light filling the horizon, only to have it shut off, and another one turned on much further away.

i may be taking a break from this job. honestly, i may be quitting. this is yet another circumstantial crossroads, and pending my feelings and abilities over the next few days, it may be time for a drastic reaction. it doesn't matter how good this seems, if there's no love then everything is utterly in vain. even more so if it repeatedly endangers the life and ambitions that drive it...

sleep is all fitful.
love and comfort are hundreds,
probably thousands,
of miles away.


  1. hahahaha karma is a bitch isn't it?

  2. im so sorry to read that! i hope they find the bastard(s) who stole from you and beat them.
    good luck.

  3. I'm speechless :(

    Please don't change who you are... you're one of the most incredible human beings ever

  4. This is a note concerning your model mayhem website, Im not a member myself so i couldnt tell you there, but youle listen your WAIST as 37" and your hips as 26". Clearly from your photos this is backwards.
    Your friendly neighbourhood spiderman.

  5. I honestly think maybe quitting or breaking from this job would do you a lot of good. I know it's easy for you to throw yourself completely into an occupation or project, but I feel like you've sort of disappeared into this job. I'm so proud of you for all of the progress you've made and all of the amazing things you've done over the past couple of years, but it seems [this is just an outside observation] as though this lifestyle is running you pretty ragged, both emotionally and physically. I know you can do absolutely anything you want to do, that's a talent you've always had...I just think maybe it's time for you to move on to bigger and better things. Whatever you decide to do, I support and love you, and if you ever need anything at all...Well, you know where to find me darling. ^_^