lewd sobriety, and the scales.

i have been escaping to alternate realities in my dreams: ones in which i am a male, ones in which i am invisible due to my plainness, ones in which i am nothing: just a presence, ones in which i am myself, just in a much easier situation, ones in which my skin is purple. waking up is sometimes violent, but normally just delayed and drawn out, as i try to grasp the last pieces of the alternate me and cram it into my brain, thinking it will give me more dimension of perception.

selfless kindness will generally do nothing but get you taken advantage of, when it it all breaks down. there is no tally system, there is no keeping track unless both parties are going at it for less soulful reasons.

but i'll keep wasting time, money, and effort on people who think of me only in passing, because i do love them despite whatever flaws they may exhibit. and i want them to be happy, more than anything.

even if that happiness doesn't involve me in the least.

i do really need to stop subconsciously thinking in terms of payback, it's simply a disease inflicted by growing up in america.

and the cause, i think, of the majority of bickering here.


  1. I'm a big believer in treating people the way you desire to be treated, even though it has gotten me none of that in return. I tend to put all others' happiness ahead of my own, to the point of self destruction. And this all for nothing... not even the acceptance of a single friend...

    I honestly thought I was alone.
    Thank you (",)