dreaming in monochrome.

(by the fucking amazing julia comita)

i've been getting all these gorgeous black and white images back recently.

it's affecting the way i see things, though i can't grasp the words correctly to emphasize in what way, sleeplessness has stolen them.


you can only stay in an uncomfortable but convenient situation for so long.




and stay away from an exciting new one for slightly less...

i guess i just feel too ultimately transient to care to make decisions like that.

giving. (thanks.)

i'm really lucky.

unspeakably so.


i've decided i will ride this current wherever it takes me, and just do my best to hold on for dear life and be smart enough come out on top. what other 19 year old get to travel for a living while still making enough to save up to go back to school? if i was a more social creature the scales may tip less in favor, but i guess for once it's beneficial to operate autonomously.


happy turkey genocide day!

crooked teeth.

everything will work out as it should. i am not worried, i have things to do... and i'm in my favorite place in the US.

i have all these images from san diego of me making silly faces and being overjoyed because stan and keith are both freaking awesome... it's odd but looking through them helps me reconsider my situation in a more positive light. happiness is infectious.

MM keeps crashing and it is legitimately FUCKING with my ability to work.
i haven't felt so dependent since i quit chain smoking cowboy cigarettes.

still have plenty to catch up on, but i'm looking down the barrell of a much more relaxed week.

thank goodness.

revenge.

all things happen for a reason...

this included.

i am serendipitous in my lack and abundance of control.

...please pardon my outbursts. i'm ok, really... mostly my eyeball just HURTS.... i'm so not ok with make up artists at the moment....

onward!

orchestration suffocation.

i am not doing well, and i don't feel comfortable enough to really detail why. all the contradictory emotions have me convinced i can trust no thing, feeling, thought or individual.


i have spread myself far too thin, exerted all my energy,
and no one gives a fuck.

whose fault is that but mine, i suppose....
chasing a future and dreams not mine to grasp.




the road is a true romance: a heart breaker.

admonish.

my tattoo is latin for warning.

at the time i designed it i fancied myself a parasite, when it was engrained in my skin i thought myself a monster. now i know i'm just dangerously addictive in romantic terms, and while i'm certainly not nearly as mental as i used to be i am often distant and dislike vocally detailing my thoughts if they are at all painful or negative.

i am a much better person than i used to be, due to healthy doses of fucking up and a recent lack of alcohol in my diet, but the suit still fits.



once you tread over the track,
you'll keep persevering on,
not knowing how to turn back,
even when all love is gone.

i'm so lucky.

because i got to shoot this amazing woman before she retired.

i am a dick of a photographer and she was wonderful, graceful and beautiful even though i neglected to feed her that morning.

there are so many good shots and i'm too scatterbrained to edit them all. but these are some of the best. my first art nude shoot was with one of the best art nude models ever.

yeah. i'm lucky.

california in 2 days. lots of amazing happening out there

i'm so very tired, but it's hard to not be happy.

new set on zivity, love it.

or participate in the contest for sexy outtakes from the hurricane set, going on until november 4th!

tracers.

i just counted how many people i've worked with, and not including people not on MM or sequential shoots with the same photographer the number is 114.

my first photoshoot was a little over a year ago. i've shot on close to a third of my days since then, and spent much more time orchestrating and planning these endeavors.

it can be quite strange to try to place myself back where i was then, because i felt frustrated and trapped. or, atleast it was strange until recently.

this most recent trip, despite a few fun creative assignments (like the one you see above) left me feeling artistically absent and incredibly anxious. stuff went down in the city that left me a little less stable than usual, and much of my sought trade work fell through for one reason or another. i sat in traffic for more hours than i can count, and felt really lonely even in the company of my various hosts and others. a particularly alienating experience with a delusional and stubborn individual left me fuming, cursing my occupation. i'm still considering instating a "no classless glamour" restriction.

traveling as much as i do isn't healthy, nor is feeling objectified.

i view modeling as being a medium for the larger piece, as a whole. the problem with this pretty conception is that glamour photography gives little heed to the whole, and it's what pays.

i'm taking it easy in december, and january. i'm not going on hiatus, i'm just not traveling/booking like a madwoman. i need to gather myself, construct some art of my own, hone my photography, play with kitties, and find new wells of grace and ingenuity to siphon.

“life isn't about finding yourself.life is about creating yourself.”"

art is formulated emotion.

i can feel the hollows of my collarbones deepening, it's sensual.


i need rest. i don't know if home will give it to me.

boo to non-constructive emotions.

time < i

i will never feel there are enough hours in a day.

today was crammed full of some aweome stuff though:


(by the wonderful izzy.)

and this is from yesterday.


(by insuh yoon.)

huzzah for freezing for the sake of art.

i'm in a weird spot right now because the one person i truly want to talk to is alienated from me, completely. i'm in a self-mutinous mood, it's no good.

i'm so lucky to meet all the amazing/goofy/wonderful people i do through my craft though. despite all the BS being a traveling nude model entails, the good and wholesome people you meet along the way definitely compensate for the akward hotel room shoots, the hours wasted in front of my computer, etc. i am so lucky.

make someone smile.

is what a girl's tiny sign held out a luxury SUV i was zooming past read on the drive down to NYC from rochester way WAY too early on saturday morning. her face was calm, serene, smilling but not overly gregarious.

since then i've been infected with the will to please.
and the polar opposite will to succeed.
(it's funny how necessary balance is in my body.)


i've felt very in sync with myself and what i'm supposed to be doing recently, and i think it has to do with my gradual acceptance that i don't really function in the same social manner as other people. and that there are ways to work around this, and still do well in this industry.

i am dreaming bigger and being avidly encouraged to entertain these thoughts by most everyone around me. it's a little overwhelming, in all honesty, and i think i understand why people tend to develop bloated egos and sociopathic qualities when they start to "get big"... with no contradiciton or questioning one feels like a god.

my main goal is to remain humble.
no matter what, this is not all about me.



i love new york.
truly, through all the grime and gossip, i do.



when i get this deep about something generally so shallow, i know i need a month off in the winter. a month full of kitties, hot tea, sewing and photography.

leaving has never be so hard.

less than a week ago i was lucky enough to bring two absolutely amazing little balls of fur home and call them mine. they are mother and son.

the little one (15 weeks now) is the runt, and was born strange so his back legs are weak and he wobbles around like a drunk and is generally clumsy. he's also one of the most vocal kittens i've ever met and loves to run around mewing and falling all over himself. appropriately, we named him crash. he sleeps sometimes too.

his mother is a poly-dexterous cat, which means she has an extra toe, or thumb, on every paw. it's a dominant genetic mutation that crash somehow didn't get, but that's how we initially became interested in her. who doesn't love mutants?


her name is minerva (aka mama cats) and she's incredibly mellow and affectionate.


frank came over to shoot a zivity set the other day and i convinced him to take some pictures of my naked self and crash. here are some of the results:

kitten = awesome implied nude device.

when frank emailed me this message it was titled "punchline."
it's pretty hilarious and slightly twisted.

long story short, i'm completely in love with these creatures and now i have to leave for 2-3 weeks. i think i might have to make all my trips shorter from now on because goddamnit, i have a family now.

polaroid camera hates me, and my toubleshooting has been in vain thus far.

but i shot raelyn today using the point-n-shoot. got some great art nudes of doom shots in the abandoned subway of rochester as well as lake ontario. she's so awesome, even using a bullshit camera i got wonderful stuff with her. you can't wait to see it, trust me.

one more day, then on the road again...

focus.

i had my first "real" photoshoot as a photographer on sunday.
first, erica bee shot me for a new zivity set. :



then i shot her! working with an manual SLR for the first time was difficult but a blast, and even though 80% of the images came out blurry, i feel like i've already taken some pretty big steps as far as style, lighting and composition go.

i'm starting with portraits. both simple -as you are- type stuff and super creative, avant garde type head shots. shooting both with the same model should give me some interesting series, i'm going to do hair and makeup for all of them as well. hooray creative control!

anyways, here's a few that i've edited, PLEASE LEAVE FEEDBACK if you would, i'm super anxious to know how well these actually turned out vs. how giddy i am about them.



(SO CUTE!!!)


(yeah, all of my hair and makeup concepts are hella bowie-esque)



shooting my first polaroids tomorrow.
i'm ready to fall in LOVE.

murky motel mirrors.

i am inspired by the oddest things.

like crappy motel rooms.

these are the results of my first attempt at "model photography" all taken on a simply point-n-shoot with available light in the most awesome gross motel ever outside of chicago.

accompanying the images are bits of prose written in the same place.
(art-faggotry alert!)

here i cast grape seeds on the floor, bathing in the carelessness of the room. this place is not putrid, merely neglected and akward, and perhaps that is what has fueled this need, this lust.


i watched sunlight rapture it's muffles symphonies on the unmatched curtains, and was moved. stimulated, as if by endorphins or touch, compelled by the innocence of constricted illumination.


sensuality is a cheap model room at dusk,
the mush of black grapes on my tongue,
and the elusive touch of light.


i am cleansed in dilapidation.

the dust bowl i call home.

the long awaited (?) burning man photo blog:

the images are mangled and sparse due to my POS camera dying intermittedly throughout the event. pictures just don't do this mecca justice though...

this fucking bike kept falling off a companions car.
it took us over 20 hours to get to reno.

i was pretty stoked on this town's name and quaint bareness.

not nearly as stoked as i was about the man.
more specifically the organic 2x4 structure around it.

this is soma. it gets awesome points for the huxley reference, but more awesome points for just being what it is... a fire and metal representation of a neuron.



this is why i need a better camera.
<3
i really enjoy this art car:


and bunny from rabbit in the moon dropped by. lots of big names music wise (if you're a techno-phile), though i wasn't super impressed with the variety or quality of tunage. i genuinely assume i was looking in the wrong place.



BUTTERFLY VAGINA!


this is fishbug. he breathed fire. yay!


my favorite art installation on the playa was this grotto made of laser cut steel layers that had a continuous fire celing. the fire would dance around, almost die, then catch the latent gas and combust across the whole thing. it was this elaborate, ever evolving dance and absolutely incredible.


this thing was packed, every night.
it was almost as fun to watch the people on the ground as the lights.



the birthday cake art car!


apocaloctopus!



sunset in this thing was beautiful.

the fact is there is no way i could not feel like i didn't do enough.

next year, i intend to contribute in some manner, and generally socialize more. the physical conditions are harsh, so it's easy to laze about and feel icky... atleast if you don't have a sand proof tent.
preparation is key.
it's still home though. i knew that as soon as i got through the gates, so i'll go back.



i just ordered 50 fuji imitation-polaroids for the 450 land camera we've had lying around forever and my goal is to have a 8 image portfolio i'm happy submitting to the web out of my fist 50. i'm far too ambitious.

next catch up blog: images from the cheap motel in chicago.

new zivity set up, love it!

lust.

i've been sitting in an empty, mis-matched and dilapadated motel room since i woke up this morning in it. while i've been working away on this stolen wi-fi signal i've watched the light change, the way it reflects from the 3 completely different blinds in the room.

all this shithole makes me want to do is take pictures.

i'm trying a new sort of trade soon, modeling for modeling/borrowing of photography equipment. i can't itirate how excited i am to play the other part in the artistic tango of creating great images... and to be the one ultimately in control of how those images look.

i badly need a copy of photoshop.

(burning man blog within the next 3 days. promise!)

exodus.

i am back from burning man, and exhausted.
i'll be cleaning playa out of my car, clothes and hair for a month.

will have an entry up about it soon.


i feel like i'm living too fast to observe in the depth that i like to.
i don't have time to sit down and write, or read a book anymore.
i just drive into the sunset or the dawn, and drive and drive and drive....



things must change.

in love with leaving.

i keep telling myself and casually mentioning to others that i don't want to model for a living for too long. i've started to question whether that's me speaking, or the parts of me that are sympathetic to my lover who doesn't see me for months or the part of me that craves a consistent set of friends.

the truth is i love leaving places, people and things.

much of this comes from the knowledge that i'll be back eventually, and the reunion will be sweeter the more i take my time, but i think some strange fetish for goodbyes speeds me on my way as well. heather's post made me think quite a bit about this.

i feel it's impossible to do this any way but alone.

i spent 13 hours in my car yesterday between rochester, NY and nashville, TN with no companion but mary jane and my jumbled music collection. by the end of it all i was giddy and hallucinating. not in an anxious, tired sort of way either, i just saw dotted white lines in my dreams last night. the open road is more intoxicating than any drink you can pour me.

the truth is i am so in love with what i do, and how i do it, that it scares me a little.

the negative aspects of the industry bother me quite a bit as well, but i think it's my comfort and abandon that cause me to want to seek my bread and butter elsewhere. i'm sort of a damn fool, aren't i?

(reposted from original location for relevance.)