focus.

i had my first "real" photoshoot as a photographer on sunday.
first, erica bee shot me for a new zivity set. :



then i shot her! working with an manual SLR for the first time was difficult but a blast, and even though 80% of the images came out blurry, i feel like i've already taken some pretty big steps as far as style, lighting and composition go.

i'm starting with portraits. both simple -as you are- type stuff and super creative, avant garde type head shots. shooting both with the same model should give me some interesting series, i'm going to do hair and makeup for all of them as well. hooray creative control!

anyways, here's a few that i've edited, PLEASE LEAVE FEEDBACK if you would, i'm super anxious to know how well these actually turned out vs. how giddy i am about them.



(SO CUTE!!!)


(yeah, all of my hair and makeup concepts are hella bowie-esque)



shooting my first polaroids tomorrow.
i'm ready to fall in LOVE.

murky motel mirrors.

i am inspired by the oddest things.

like crappy motel rooms.

these are the results of my first attempt at "model photography" all taken on a simply point-n-shoot with available light in the most awesome gross motel ever outside of chicago.

accompanying the images are bits of prose written in the same place.
(art-faggotry alert!)

here i cast grape seeds on the floor, bathing in the carelessness of the room. this place is not putrid, merely neglected and akward, and perhaps that is what has fueled this need, this lust.


i watched sunlight rapture it's muffles symphonies on the unmatched curtains, and was moved. stimulated, as if by endorphins or touch, compelled by the innocence of constricted illumination.


sensuality is a cheap model room at dusk,
the mush of black grapes on my tongue,
and the elusive touch of light.


i am cleansed in dilapidation.

the dust bowl i call home.

the long awaited (?) burning man photo blog:

the images are mangled and sparse due to my POS camera dying intermittedly throughout the event. pictures just don't do this mecca justice though...

this fucking bike kept falling off a companions car.
it took us over 20 hours to get to reno.

i was pretty stoked on this town's name and quaint bareness.

not nearly as stoked as i was about the man.
more specifically the organic 2x4 structure around it.

this is soma. it gets awesome points for the huxley reference, but more awesome points for just being what it is... a fire and metal representation of a neuron.



this is why i need a better camera.
<3
i really enjoy this art car:


and bunny from rabbit in the moon dropped by. lots of big names music wise (if you're a techno-phile), though i wasn't super impressed with the variety or quality of tunage. i genuinely assume i was looking in the wrong place.



BUTTERFLY VAGINA!


this is fishbug. he breathed fire. yay!


my favorite art installation on the playa was this grotto made of laser cut steel layers that had a continuous fire celing. the fire would dance around, almost die, then catch the latent gas and combust across the whole thing. it was this elaborate, ever evolving dance and absolutely incredible.


this thing was packed, every night.
it was almost as fun to watch the people on the ground as the lights.



the birthday cake art car!


apocaloctopus!



sunset in this thing was beautiful.

the fact is there is no way i could not feel like i didn't do enough.

next year, i intend to contribute in some manner, and generally socialize more. the physical conditions are harsh, so it's easy to laze about and feel icky... atleast if you don't have a sand proof tent.
preparation is key.
it's still home though. i knew that as soon as i got through the gates, so i'll go back.



i just ordered 50 fuji imitation-polaroids for the 450 land camera we've had lying around forever and my goal is to have a 8 image portfolio i'm happy submitting to the web out of my fist 50. i'm far too ambitious.

next catch up blog: images from the cheap motel in chicago.

new zivity set up, love it!

lust.

i've been sitting in an empty, mis-matched and dilapadated motel room since i woke up this morning in it. while i've been working away on this stolen wi-fi signal i've watched the light change, the way it reflects from the 3 completely different blinds in the room.

all this shithole makes me want to do is take pictures.

i'm trying a new sort of trade soon, modeling for modeling/borrowing of photography equipment. i can't itirate how excited i am to play the other part in the artistic tango of creating great images... and to be the one ultimately in control of how those images look.

i badly need a copy of photoshop.

(burning man blog within the next 3 days. promise!)

exodus.

i am back from burning man, and exhausted.
i'll be cleaning playa out of my car, clothes and hair for a month.

will have an entry up about it soon.


i feel like i'm living too fast to observe in the depth that i like to.
i don't have time to sit down and write, or read a book anymore.
i just drive into the sunset or the dawn, and drive and drive and drive....



things must change.

in love with leaving.

i keep telling myself and casually mentioning to others that i don't want to model for a living for too long. i've started to question whether that's me speaking, or the parts of me that are sympathetic to my lover who doesn't see me for months or the part of me that craves a consistent set of friends.

the truth is i love leaving places, people and things.

much of this comes from the knowledge that i'll be back eventually, and the reunion will be sweeter the more i take my time, but i think some strange fetish for goodbyes speeds me on my way as well. heather's post made me think quite a bit about this.

i feel it's impossible to do this any way but alone.

i spent 13 hours in my car yesterday between rochester, NY and nashville, TN with no companion but mary jane and my jumbled music collection. by the end of it all i was giddy and hallucinating. not in an anxious, tired sort of way either, i just saw dotted white lines in my dreams last night. the open road is more intoxicating than any drink you can pour me.

the truth is i am so in love with what i do, and how i do it, that it scares me a little.

the negative aspects of the industry bother me quite a bit as well, but i think it's my comfort and abandon that cause me to want to seek my bread and butter elsewhere. i'm sort of a damn fool, aren't i?

(reposted from original location for relevance.)

flesh and earth.

first publication in a book has occured, and it's for a very interesting project called "flesh stones" by myndzeye photography from seattle.

the book focuses, as the title entails, on the female form in unison with different kinds of rocks. it's truly a beautiful compilation of bodyscapes that would make a great coffee table ornament or addition to any art collectors shelves.

check it out!

the trials of being a rainbow haired freak.

the orange in my hair has turned brown at the tips from the blue and green that i put in it, which means i stood in freezing cold water washing the dye out for 5 minutes for nothing.

fuck.




it's 5:30 in the morning, i have to wake up in 5 hours and hustle to pack, finish some crafty stuff, get to the bank, then drive to pennsylvania.

i will sleep damn good tomorrow night.
(if i can figure out how to fix my hair without it falling out.)

like a decapitated chicken.

moving sucks, especially when you have to sort through years upon years of useless crap that isn't yours and have a pile of trash as tall as you are outside your new place before you can even begin to think about moving your things in. insignificant things hold so much meaning to me sometimes that it's very difficult for me to sort through a box of garbage and knick knacks and decide what has actual worth, especially when i hardly know the person who this garbage is attached to.

that's what you get for being a lazy slob and leaving the dirty work to other people though: all your old things and the memories attached to them are sloppily thrown in a pile of the basement of the dilapadated house you still own, to gather mildew and mold.

i swear the value of that apartment has gone up atleast 20% just from all the scrubbing and trash removal that's been done. jesus.

i leave for the wide open road in 2 days though, and thankfully the new house is almost clean enough to live in. so i don't have that to stress about the whole time i'm traveling.



burning man here i come.

doom bunnies.

i can't voice my thoughts right now, it'd sound way too emo.

so here's a creepy/cute picture of me and kess.

yay.

skin deep frequencies.

while visiting portland oregon i went for a stroll with the amiable mr graves on a blazing hot day in mt. tabor park, and we shot my latest set, "Tabor," now published on zivity.

as we strolled and took advantage of portland's amazing public transportation to get to the park, i asked some questions about the infrared technology we were using to shoot this set. MG proceeded to explain that "infrared technology, in the simplest sense, is about extending our perception." the naked human eye can only see light in wavelengths that range from about 400-700 nanometers. he told me that "the images captured in infrared photography (technically, near infrared) start at 700nm and extend up to about 1200nm. what is being imaged is heat energy, but only the tiny portion of it just beyond a human's visual spectrum."

in the set, foiliage appears pale, skin grey and transluscent, my veins are strongly emphasized and the sky seems to be on fire. when i first viewed this set i was so estatic to have been part of a collaboration that had produced such wonderful abstract results.

mister graves explains that "certain objects in the natural world that we see in color reflect most infrared radiation, foliage being the most obvious example. infrared portraiture of humans is interesting to me is because while skin tends to reflect a good amount of infrared, the blood in our veins does not. being able to clearly view the blood racing through our bodies in a photograph serves to remind me that we are alive."

this set declares humanity in an eerie fashion, detailing the inner workings of what is otherwise a ghostly form in a place that in reality is full of life, but in infrared appears as spectral as the subject.

it was shot on MG's altered camera. apparently, "in order to photograph the infrared spectrum, the camera must either be fitted with an infrared filter (which makes live focusing impossible) or the internal filter which general blocks infrared light must be replaced with a filter that accepts only infrared light." the camera used for this set had a replaced internal filter, and there was almost no post processing done on the set.

*credit to david aka mister_graves for most of the technical information!

going home?

this is a shot of me and the lovely kessM by azzara. i get to shoot with her and lori mann next week. i have a feeling the results will be SO mind blowingly hot they might be banned if we post them on the interenet. just sayin.

i fly "home" to rochester from seattle tonight, and arrive at 2pm. after recovering from jetlag for a day i get to pack for burning man/living out of my car for 2 months (schedule below), and move the majority of the stuff in my apartment to my new one, in one week. then i embark on the most extensive trip i'll have been on to date, and ultimately get to really go home, for a week, to the playa.

i'm sorta conflicted about what matters most to me in life right now, aside from the obvious goals of doing well with modeling and going back to school, which is relatively dependent on the former. my occupation makes location sort of flexible, but i've got ties even when i've tried to avoid them.


when i'll be where:

DC- august 6-10

roadtrip to burningman! august 10-29
tentative schedule:
august 10-11: DC to Penland, NC (possible stops in VA, MA, or NC)
august 11-17: Penland, NC (booking in NC, or east TN)
august 17-18: NC to Nashville, TN (possible stop in chattanooga)
august 18-21: Nashville, TN or surrounding areas
august 21-24: St Louis and Kansas City
august 24-28: CO (booking in denver, springs & nearby)
august 28-29: CO to Nevada (stops in UT or eastern NV possible)

roadtrip back to rochester: september 10-22
tentative schedule:
(dates still very flexible)
september 10-11: from CO to Omaha, NE.
september 11-12: from Omaha, NE to Milwaukee, WI
september 12-16: Milwaukee, WI & Chicago, IL
september 16-17: Chicago, IL to Detroit, MI (possible stops in IN)
september 17-18: Detroit, MI
september 18-20: Detroit, MI to Pittsburgh, PA
september 20-21: Pittsburgh, PA
september 21-22: Pittsburgh, PA to Rochester, NY

TEXAS in late october (houston, dallas, maybe austin).

CALIFORNIA in early december (LA and SF, maybe SD?)

french tourists on greyhounds.

they told me everyone is more friendly in america.
i think they're full of shit.


i had all this amazing, epiphany-esque nonsense to confess last night, but suffice to say i don't want to be angry anymore. and that i really don't want to wind up like my dad.

unapologetic.

my hugest flaw, and at times, asset, throughout the years has been how much of me i am. it never ends.

atleast i know i'm growing up. evolving, it's nice.
i know i won't screw someone i truly care about over ever again, it just isn't in me anymore. i have a conscience and a sense of loyalty now, because i don't feel the need to validate myself anymore.

mreh, i ramble much.

we kiss on the mouth but still cough down our sleeves.

i miss having a life and i think i need to move to portland.
the music scene here is amazing.

!!!!!

I FUCKING LOVE PORTLAND.

another year.

birthday's always suck.
(shoot to emphasize this occuring in 8 days.)


in my 18th year i have:

come to realize that there is no use blaming other people for my problems, no matter how justified. the only person who can make anything truly better for myself is me.

started several completely new lives.

stopped relying on extremes.

found reasons to be, a future to pursue, and a past i tried to forget.

grown.

you have to break out of your shell (which was colorado in my case) to change your habitual mistakes. otherwise self denial and repetition soothe your conscience into silence.

bleach.

it tingles and burns on the scalp.
mmm.... reality.

converting files.

it feels like that's what my brain is doing.

i can't get anything done, all i do is fret.


only thing i've succeeded in doing today:

updated list of where i'll be and when:
PHILADELPHIA: july 11-15

PORTLAND: july 15-22
SEATTLE: july 22-27

DC- august 5-10

roadtrip to burningman august 10-30
going through the following states:
VA, NC, TN, KY, IL, MO, KA, CO, UT, NV (maybe AZ and NM?)

roadtrip back to rochester: september 8-?
going through the following states:
NV, UT, CO, whatever random western states i find work in,
MN, WI, IL, IN, MI, OH, western PA.

either TEXAS or DENVER in october.
CALIFORNIA by the end of the year.

upside down.

so.

the past 3 days have seen so much changes in plans it's mind boggling. i will spend the next 2 or 3 months between rochester, new jersey, philly, portland, seattle, DC, north carolina, colorado, texas, burning man, and who knows where else.

i came home from NYC to an apartment with no electricity, which awoke me to the fact that i am not nearly as in control of my life as i like to think. and that this needs to change.

since the breaker got flipped an hour ago i've been trying to get necessary things done but wound up here, bitching and moaning because life has thrown some serious curveballs at me and i have so much planning and work to do.

but this is what life as an artist is. one must seize oppurtunities, make pilgrimmages, be flexible and persistent to succeed in any arena of the artistic realm, because it's all so damn subjective. here is where a certain accquaintance of mine would say something like: "i don't see what's subjective about your modeling, you only succeed because of your tits."

some people suck, others not so much.
the trick is to stay surrounded by the slight pull of the lesser ones, all equidistant and all coming from slightly different directions. kept in limbo by the slight circular vaccum of existence.


...enough poetic BS. i have a smelly, moldy fridge to clean.