reconstructive deconstruction.

"it requires courage to want to be wholesome and sound, honestly and candidly to will the true."
-from either/or by s. kierkegaard

pairing opposites has always been a hobby of mine.

it's strange and beautiful to find such bliss in a truly similar sphere.
(and i think it's forcing me to love myself more easily.)

whilst falling down the engorging chasm of new romance, my heart has gained health but my body is becoming increasingly mutinous. research has convinced me that i must have some sort of internal malfunction, a hormonal imbalance at best and a whole slew of strange and chronic diseases at worst.

it's very hard to feel wonderful about yourself when you mysteriously gain weight (all the time- and i'm a pretty healthy gluten free vegan), have debilitating cycles, terrible skin issues, mood instability and severely increased susceptibility to all other illnesses. even harder when your JOB is to look good.

how do you politely give a disclaimer that your overall appearance is being fucked with by something in your body? does one say 'i apologize for my imperfections but assure you i am very thorough in my makeup techniques and posing so aesthetically pleasant images are still possible'? it's historically been rather absurd and disheartening to try to delicately balance what's going on with my physical well being and my physical presence and trade, but now i feel guilty for showing up to a shoot without base makeup on, eating before or on a shoot, etc.

security in myself is slowly dribbling away, especially when a photographer feels the need to point out my added pounds or blemishes. i see them, trust me.... i dread looking in the mirror these days- it's enormously frustrating.

i know all too well that no one is perfect, and i've grown quite adept at "faking it" but this is a new level of not-quite-right. luckily i have insurance now and am waiting on test results to narrow the field of what could be ticking out of tune in this flesh.

i am young- as the people who surround me repeat compulsively- and there is time to figure out what's going on and rehash my lifestyle to be actually healthy. as always i am impatient and scatterbrained- tests take too long, but i have no idea how to fix this so i distract myself and avoid booking too much work 'on accident.'

-end rant-

rinse. dye. let soak for way too long. repeat.


  1. how much weight have you gained? have you had your thyroid checked?

  2. Don't sell yourself short on your appearnace, you're super pretty!