3.29.2011

ashes to ashes to flames to fuel.

wicked little smile. (by one of my favorite humans: brink ability)


i haven't put this back online for a while because i genuinely don't know how to explain what a chaotic eon this year has been in my world. due to sleep deprivation and a recent penchant for the cryptically blunt, here is my best account:

the start ot this year has whizzed by yet seemed an eternity: the mechanics in my brain broke down, right before i laid foot on the endless road again. my "undiagnosed mood disorder" has come in and out of power throughout my quasi, semi and fully adult life, and be it bipolar or borderline when my plane crashes it plummets.

i spent a week in the hospital after the most serious attempt on my life i've probably ever made, which was just the finale in a succession of terrible choices aimed to hurt myself, and by association, though i may not have intended it, everyone around me.

my biggest goal for the next few years of life is to not try to speed up the process of dying anymore than i already have. now i drink a couple glasses of wine and i'm drunk, a couple more and i'll black out. my liver and kidneys are seriously damaged, and while they get better as time passes it's a serious reminder of how fragile this manifestation really is.

observing this sideshow from outside the fishbowl must be like watching a phoenix stuck on fast-forward and repeat. i burn myself down, annually even it seems!, only to rise back up, seemingly stronger from my temporary demise.

it's difficult explain myself or my mistakes with any dexterity to people i know, let alone those who follow me electronically from afar. i just wanted to let everyone know that i AM ok, i AM getting better.

silence and the quivering high of inward focus paired with hedonistic joys and the flames of home are nursing me back to stability. no, to bliss.

video

(first time working my babies out since the burn, this sort of outlet is what i've been neglecting and subconciously pining for while living behind the wheel or in front of a laptop. video also by brink ability song: lotye by my love anno)

i'm settling down in denver next month and taking some classes over the summer. semi-retiring from modeling, at least from the insane travel/500 messages in my inbox approach i've had for the past year or so. it's time to remember what friends, hobbies, relaxation and health are.

the gypsy life is beautiful, poetic and free, but i need a launchpad for the trajectory of my true desires... initiate countdown....

2 comments:

  1. :hug: let me know if i can be of any help.
    what a hypnotic video, i wish i had a fraction of that talent.

    ReplyDelete
  2. admonito no more...welcome back

    ReplyDelete