2.26.2010

crash.

i almost died today....
i'm so lucky.






there is so much wrong with my life right now, but i still have it.

and one really has no idea how much that means
until their vehicle bounces between the guardrails like an air hockey puck,
is almost t-boned by a semi, hit by 2 cars and totaled,
and they walk away with a few bumps and scratches..



i'm counting all the good things twice before i even consider the negatives.

the bump on my head may have knocked some sense into me.

2.22.2010

the point.



i'm not very good at communicating (especially online) right now due to the intense amount of action and thought in response to stress and conflict my life has consisted of recently.

moving to philly was necessary, but trying.


i'm dealing with some medical issues, and have no time to relax.
i'm just hoping my intake of tea and vitamins cushions the grinding.

i feel bad to be so lame about updating, or existing, recently.
i'll be fully functional again by mid march, guaranteed.
stay tuned.

2.01.2010

seperate whole.


hawaii is almost as lovely as her.
(by brink ability, with v larsen.)

my life is SOOO full and it's about to overflow...

the nausea has been relentless recently. no matter how happy i am, who i'm near, how wonderful the place i'm staying may be, the act of living makes nauseous.

i am happy though.
for the first time in months,
i'm really happy.

1.19.2010

direct aid for a small town in haiti.

my good friend, and photographer and model sidney etienne is trying to organize relief for a small community in haiti where much of his family lives.

this is a great way to give direct, quick aid to a community that doesn't know when the larger organizations will turn an eye their way, most of the support pouring into the nation is going directly to the capital.

please help if you can.


more info + contribute here:


1.14.2010

i am ----'s inventive obsession.




packing up my fragments of home i have found this. it was a final project for my AP english class, the one i was almost not allowed to take due to only having 2 years of english under my belt.
i'm reciting it, hoping that ignites this sort of passion and articulation in me once more....



the brush strokes are horribly uneven,
vibrant in the jarred patterns they weave.
up close, the impression is all wrong, this impression,
should so obviously be viewed from afar:
the same distance as the witness from the scene.
reenactments make us feel connected, alive, aware.
no binary code could communicate such life and feeling,
in to images so gorgeously garbled.
the canvas might just breathe, well,
this one does.
inuman limbs a littered with metaphors,
like a picture book of the ghosts's life,
no simple cipher will decode these tales, no,
complex analysis is required.
faces, symbols, and other oddities are here,
with script littered amongst the images,
the technicolor trigger, a revolver in obnoxious hues,
spews smoke and poems out of its unloaded barrel,
covering the entire torco in its image.
only a few understand,
the gun is the only measure of regret the spirit will allow.
anything else would leave her a desert.
clay, moist and fertile,
forms ideas in adept hands,
stained red with the blood of shed imptence,
this supreme labor of love,
fingers and medium intertwine in immaculate conception,
cheekbones, lips, ocular devices come to warped life,
joyfully imperfect, unbalanced, individual.
such a beautiful face even nature could not have sculpted.
anatomy does not permit such grievous malformations.
the mother,
the father,
fall away as separate hands,
left in their wake is a monstrous face,
as perfect in its creator's adoring eyes,
as us beasts in the eyes of "GOD."
creators are largely only admirers,
who reflect their idols in a fun-house mirror.
but the impression of sound can be felt,
down to the pulmonary vein-
if the noise is affluent enough-
so perhaps the mirrors don't matter so much.
chords control the ghost,
words and tone influence emotive ideas,
and some compositions are an Owner's Guide to Life.
tear ducts flood as the record revolves,
the flavor has grown bitter,
lilting melodies slowly,
with their subtly soaring sentiments,
eventually dam the optic river.
this rollercoaster tune is supreme:
evoking floods,
evoking fires,
evoking blinding beams,
in the face of the beholder.
now crumpled in concentration.
the beholder creates her own mirror,
scribbling furiously,
rushing towards a meaning not yet grasped.
black and white are the only tones used,
but the lack of variance in color,
makes not the task of inverntion and less ingenious.
the path of words is jumbles,
littered with ambiguity and unempasized giants.
it leads somewhere, though,
and the walkedr must have patience.
a cave of the mind engulfs the poeatic road,
and the words become not phrases, but philosophies,
emotions, theories, ideas, and passionate views,
all clamoring in the air like so many bats.
the center of the cave is a point in thought:
art is love, and love is art.






i do not know if this was a product of an idle, or stimulated mind. i can't remember, but i certainly haven't been doing much of this since my mind is simply occupied.

1.11.2010

sleepwalking through a sandpit.


i haven't posted in a while because of my lack of a desire to sound like a whiny emo bitch.

i'm lucky as hell, get to lead an amazing lifestyle, have options, self sufficient, and still i can not be content. granted, i'm trying to move, book 3 months of work (my MM inbox, at last count, has about 250 active messages in it), and continue to function in reality, but the stimulation i've been stumbling upon should really be enough to satiate me.


i am packing this week, everything i own.













i wonder if any city will ever end the hunger.

12.30.2009

celiac.


i drank a beer tonight and my stomach wants to explode from it.

i really can't put gluten in my system anymore... at all.
it's really weird how much things have changes in the past year.
even stranger how much can change when one simply listens...

12.29.2009

gomorrah.


by vance

this is exactly how i feel about the holidays.



too much going on upstairs to bring it down, being around my family and hometown makes me live in my head for weeks...



it was pleasant, really... i just feel the way i do.
relentlessly.




more itsajackal goodness:


i am happy to be moving on to new adventures.
but always living in my past and dreams.

12.18.2009

shrinking globe.


sometimes it frightens me how entirely small this world is.

then i remember how many times i have shirked my perceptions, surroundings, or friends, and created a whole new place for myself. i suppose the ability to resist this urge and keep your world small is what makes one civil.

the past week has seen me less and less rested, but i'm at ease.


let's hope i don't die driving back to antartica.

12.12.2009

saboteur.


by itsajackal.

i'm finding it difficult to be positive, or just now noticing how negative i really am.

this morning i realized, thanks to one of the most beautiful women i've ever met, that even the thought that things could be worse is ultimately a negative one.



now i'm sitting here alone, which is half my fault and half circumstance, and i wish more than anything that i had my car so i could drive into the country and think. the knowledge that something is broken doesn't always come with any hints pertaining to its repair.

12.09.2009

cold.

by brandon witzel.

chemical imbalances suck.
as does winter.

12.08.2009

speaking of nostalgia...

this is from my first nude shoot ever, by the awesome dave wood in my home state of colorado. it's being featured in the february issue of black and white magazine,
as a merit award single image.

i put a TV on my head because i was nervous about the experience and felt that the more i could throw myself into it artistically the better it would go. in other words, i didn't want to be naked on a backdrop... it would have been too much at the time.

so, i smashed out the TV myself, probably inhaling tons of chemicals, and hot glued some padding to the edges, spray painted the screen, drove up to denver and shot. it was among my first 5 shoots, ever, but one of the ones i creatively vibe with most to these days. and the chemicals probably residing in my lungs were %100 percent worth it just for how much i love the images, recognition or not.

it's nice when things from a year ago come and pat you on the back.




i'm (oddly) feeling super productive, or maybe the pile of stuff i have to do before i hit the road is just so huge that my brain is forgetting about sleep. and my newly revamped (and SOOO much better) ink thanks to khary at living color tattoo in rochester, means my chest feels like i got punched- i wouldn't be able to sleep on my stomach like i like, so to i'm just going stay up all night, getting things done.



being domestic is not friendly to modeling.
my hands are covered in marks from my kitten, cooking, and sewing.

i'm letting the alphabet be the DJ tonight and so far it's been bangin, but after this 2 hours of prodigy there's an hour and a half of propaghandi, and i don't know if i give a fuck about government anymore... i certainly don't watch the news or interact with the real world in any way other than a consumer. it's sort of frustrating to ponder.

off to be domestic some more!

12.07.2009

holiday thanks/nostalgia.

so, in appreciation of my super cool fans at zivity i will be sending out unique, one of a kind prints to my 3 top fans of the sets i have come out in december. think of it as a slightly late holiday gift, personalized and signed.

the prints are sort of a piece of my modeling history, as they are from one of my first shoots with a professional photographer, jamie hankin, who works as the studio manager for saks fifth avenue. he was working on a gallery showcase of women with tattoos and contacted me about the project, which was one of many of the times i've counted myself lucky since this has become my career.

the images are intentionally minimal, shot on film. it's rather apparent (to me atleast) that i've come a long way with my modeling since then. there's a sort of natural essence to these images that i can't articulate, though they're quite lovely.

here's a preview of one of them.



the first set that counts towards this festive contest is the lantern, which was just released a couple days ago. i will be tallying up the votes from that, as well as the 3-4 sets i expect to come out in december. the top 3 voters on christmas day will be announced as the recipients of a lovely one of a kind matte print personally signed with a note!


the cold makes me sleepy. so fucking sleepy.

12.02.2009

vampire.

i slept all day yesterday, woke up at 4pm, showered for an hour, snapped, in a fury told my lover i'm moving away as soon as i can, chaos ensued, then i went to sleep, exhausted and emotionally drained, at midnight.

i don't know if it's all the sleep, or knowing that i get to leave rochester, but the illness that had been lurking in my sinuses and throat is gone and i'm not angry anymore.

i was made to wander... to fade in and out of places and time.


i feel weak for not appreciating the good i have here enough to stay, at the same time i know no one is to blame for the presence of wanderlust and the natural desire to be happy.



i have alot of work to do before i can move at all, then a country to drive across, and i don't quite know how to work it all out yet. it's a little intimidating, this is the first time i'm striking out %100 alone... then again, with friends in most major cities, it's arguable that percentage is slightly false.

either way, i need this:
solidarity of the self.

11.30.2009

dreaming in monochrome.

(by the fucking amazing julia comita)

i've been getting all these gorgeous black and white images back recently.

it's affecting the way i see things, though i can't grasp the words correctly to emphasize in what way, sleeplessness has stolen them.


you can only stay in an uncomfortable but convenient situation for so long.




and stay away from an exciting new one for slightly less...

i guess i just feel too ultimately transient to care to make decisions like that.

11.26.2009

giving. (thanks.)


i'm really lucky.

unspeakably so.


i've decided i will ride this current wherever it takes me, and just do my best to hold on for dear life and be smart enough come out on top. what other 19 year old get to travel for a living while still making enough to save up to go back to school? if i was a more social creature the scales may tip less in favor, but i guess for once it's beneficial to operate autonomously.


happy turkey genocide day!

11.16.2009

crooked teeth.


everything will work out as it should. i am not worried, i have things to do... and i'm in my favorite place in the US.

i have all these images from san diego of me making silly faces and being overjoyed because stan and keith are both freaking awesome... it's odd but looking through them helps me reconsider my situation in a more positive light. happiness is infectious.




MM keeps crashing and it is legitimately FUCKING with my ability to work.
i haven't felt so dependent since i quit chain smoking cowboy cigarettes.

still have plenty to catch up on, but i'm looking down the barrell of a much more relaxed week.

thank goodness.

11.13.2009

revenge.



all things happen for a reason...

this included.

i am serendipitous in my lack and abundance of control.


...please pardon my outbursts. i'm ok, really... mostly my eyeball just HURTS.... i'm so not ok with make up artists at the moment....

onward!

11.09.2009

orchestration suffocation.


i am not doing well, and i don't feel comfortable enough to really detail why. all the contradictory emotions have me convinced i can trust no thing, feeling, thought or individual.


i have spread myself far too thin, exerted all my energy,
and no one gives a fuck.

whose fault is that but mine, i suppose....
chasing a future and dreams not mine to grasp.




the road is a true romance: a heart breaker.

11.03.2009

admonish.

my tattoo is latin for warning.

at the time i designed it i fancied myself a parasite, when it was engrained in my skin i thought myself a monster. now i know i'm just dangerously addictive in romantic terms, and while i'm certainly not nearly as mental as i used to be i am often distant and dislike vocally detailing my thoughts if they are at all painful or negative.

i am a much better person than i used to be, due to healthy doses of fucking up and a recent lack of alcohol in my diet, but the suit still fits.



once you tread over the track,
you'll keep persevering on,
not knowing how to turn back,
even when all love is gone.